Background
Last week was particularly rough. I'm on the type of project that designers are told to avoid. We're "redesigning" and integrating a couple of our web sites and the team consists of a management committee, four chiefs (including my supervisor and my supervisor's supervisor) and one indian, me. There has been a lot of management arm-waving without substance except for some micromanagement of secondary details. (Its an IT department.) Most of you can probably see where this is going so I won't belabor the details except that I was in a meeting where I got slammed for decisions made by management , some of which I had tried to change their minds on, especially the ones that led to cost overruns. I can't lose morally since I have everything well documented but I am the only indian. (I did manage not to put my fist through the laptop being used for the presentation - not very professional. )

What Not to Do
So, I was sitting at my desk trying to get my blood pressure under control, and I started thinking about what Denny had written about why he had decided to become independent and start up WorldWorks Games and realized that when faced with somewhat similar situations I had made different decisions.

I'm one of those people who is perpetually unsure as to what they want to do when they grow up. In college, I started off in architecture but switched to aerospace engineering in my sophomore year (my parents thought that I would be a history major). While I found things like Apollo re-entry transients and continuum mechanics somewhat interesting, overall it was still pretty dry and uncreative. By the time I figured out that this really wasn't the right choice I decided to finish the degree since it would still give me a background to work with military planners. This led me to the Naval Weapons Center at China Lake where I eventually became an air warfare analyst. While it had its moments, I found it very constraining, dry, and uncreative but I didn't know what else to do.

I had always like doodling and people would ask me to do little things like announcements etc. So when I heard people getting excited about a class they had taken at the local community college from an instructor on leave from UCLA I signed up for the next two semesters. The instructor was Jim Doolin (, ). Jim opened up my eyes to a whole new and exciting world ( I have never had an instructor as good as him in anything) and my classes went better than I could have dreamed. So the next year I quit Civil Service and ran off to Cal State Fullerton to study illustration and graphic design where my advisor was Larry Johnson, a fairly well know illustrator. Again, things went much better that I expected but the summer break came.

The group I worked with at China Lake contacted me and asked if I wanted to come back and work for the summer. Faced with the choice of an analyst's salary or that of a summer hire elsewhere I went back to China Lake. There I met my wife to-be, and at the end of the summer we were engaged. Since she had a three-year old daughter from a previous marriage my temporary summer job became permanent..

I did manage to get on the Federal Register as an illustrator with a rating that I was told was very good, especially for someone who only had school experience, and shortly thereafter had the opportunity for a medical illustrator position at Fort Sam Houston near San Antonio but at far far less than I was making as an analyst. I again took what I considered the "responsible" (safe) decision for my family (which then included two daughters) and turned it down. So, I was "responsible" but very unhappy for quite a few years. I eventually migrated to software development ,which was better but bland, to web design, which was a lot better but due to the state of Navy IT and Navy funding also left a lot to be desired for creativity and challenge. (And increasingly laced with the types of situations that I started this article with.)

The moral of my story is that choosing safety (under the guise of responsibility) can be poison in the long run. One looks back at opportunities missed and time wasted that could have been used growing. In many cases there is an accompanying assumption that one will be in a better financial position to pursue one dreams in the future when ... but circumstances don't always accommodate that. One cannot be the parent or spouse one wants to be when continually drained and overcoming the energy curve required to grow and take chances can seem to become insurmountable. I'm currently starting a two-year (or less) plan to drastically change my situation but it won't regain lost years, so to everyone else, carpe diem!*

What to Do
The reason that I thought of Denny in all of this was that his choices were the opposite of mine. He followed his passions and he took chances. 20 years from now he's not going to be looking back just wishing that he had tried and wondering what might have been. What he's written about his background, his reasons for taking the risks that he did in stepping out from working for others, and his experiences along the way are very interesting and well worth reading. I'm not going to summarize it here since I wouldn't do it justice, but I would encourage anyone faced with making choices about how they're going to spend the rest of their lives to read his bio and go through the forum to see what he's written. The moral that I get from his story is to follow your passion and you ultimately can't lose.

A Request
Denny, if you read this, I would really like to see an expanded bio covering your background, thoughts, philosophy, and experiences that lead to your founding of WorldWorks Games and bringing it to the point where its at now. As far as I'm concerned, its as impressive as any that I've read (plus its ongoing), its very motivational and encouraging, and I think you have a lot of insight that could help people make more thoughtful decisions as to how to plan their futures. I started following the this past year and a lot of what's discussed there reminds me of what you've written. Even if you don't have the time or are otherwise inclined not to do so, please keep it in the back of your mind for the future. Right now, if you were to publish this for sale it would be at the top of my buy list well beyond anything else that WorldWorks could possibly offer.

(Denny, I couldn't find your bio today. Has it been removed?)



*Seize the day.

Whoa.

Sacretis

Steve,

So much of your own situation, eerily echos my own And I've wasted 12 years at it. Trying to maintain a safe job (forgoing my last 2 years of a degree) to take care of my (then) new born son . Unfortunately under the delusion that I would move up the ladder of success till I realized that it is not about how good you are or what you can do, but all about the smoke you blow. Not what or whom you know. I've gone from Graphic Design, Photography and Catalogue design to the bottom, simply reviewing artwork for customers. Going no where monetarily, nor in my collective career. This is basically a mundane assembly line job...no challenge, other than battling through the toil of day to day.
I am (to my own misfortune) neither a butt kisser nor one whom respects those that are, or those whom take credit for the work of others. This unfortunately seems to be the way of corporate America.

Runs off to weep in the corner...

~Floyd

I don't want to get into a long rant, but I'm in a similar position as well. My current job is web maintenance/ui design, thought it's hard to really describe it. I don't kiss butt, nor do I get on with those that do. One of the people on my team was never there and always had a message on his door that he was "running errands and gym" for about 70% of the workweek. The rest of the time he was walking into everyones office trying to distract them with chit-chat. Every project or task I've ever known him to run has blown up into a potential disaster, and the rest of us have had to bail him out for the good of the company. What happens? He got promoted to an assistant director position!?!?!

I seriously think you have to either start up on your own or become a butt kisser. Starting up on your own is a really hard step to take, but if you manage it... you end up like Denny. No, I didn't mean bald I meant successful and happy in your job.

It is odd how the vast majority of people find themselves in jobs, always wondering what they will do when they grow up... until suddenly it's time to retire. I think a 2 year plan to turn things around is a great idea Steve. I wish I could get organized enough to do something similar.

Arabin

Hear Hear !

I've only taken what I considered three major risks in my life -- joining the intelligence part of my group where I had to give regular briefs to admirals on down while being a serious "brief-a-phobic", joining a soccer club with no soccer experience, and quitting my job to study art at a university where the real passionate artists were, i.e all chances to look foolish which, to me, was the next worst thing to death. Every time I took these "risks" I greatly exceeded my expectations. A friend of mine who was a Marine said it was much the same in Basic -- they tear you down then prove you can do more than you thought. I think that this is probably true for anyone who is willing to invest themselves in taking worthwhile risks.


The thing that got me was the ongoing energy drain and getting into the rut of negative thinking that others have mentioned above. Initially, I wasn't too concerned with working in something I didn't like I "could always change later." I ended up like the frog experiment that they talk about in science class where the frog is put into a pan of tepid water that it can jump out. The water is then very slowly brought to a boil but by the time the frog realizes something is wrong, its too late. I wasn't alert to what was happening and by the time I realized the state I was in the energy and confidence that I used to have was gone. (The Soviets didn't help with their collapse in the 80's. That led to circumstances here which took away a lot of good opportunitves for change while keeping my retirement investment. I always knew the Soviets were unreliable... )

The best thing to do is to be aware of one's situation and take the initiative to change before the difficulties increase. However, failing that, I think the way out is to first get rid of the negative thinking, have some faith in one's past successes even if it starts out as just a mental exercise, and develop and work towards a plan for change even if the energy is lacking and it just feels like going through the motions.

I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate what you have all shared. It very much feeds the positive side of things.

Strangely enough, I can identify with Denny in his after-college, bartending portion of life.

(Long story ahead)

I grew up on a farm watching my father nearly kill himself with all the stress related to turning a profit (albeit a small one) in farming. This farm had been in my family for five generations, and it was huge. My grandfather and his father were very critical of keeping the farm going. They turned my father into them, basically.

He did a very good job farming, but it was so stressful that he was often a bitter and unrelenting person. It spilled down on the family often - his need to succeed caused him to say very unflattering things about my performance in school and sports ("Get serious about playing basketball or quit!", "What are you going to need good grades for if you're going to take my place? You'll never go to college!" etc.). I knew and still know that it was more of the frustration of being a farmer that made him that way, so I pledged to never be a farmer. Even if my father wanted me to be one.

But he had inspired fear into me. Given me the fear of failure and change.

When I hit 17, I took a bad turn and became something of an irresponsible and tempermental alcoholic. I got drunk and into fights - a lot. At one point, all my good friends stopped interacting with me because I was that bad. Only my best friend stood beside me, mostly because he wanted to make sure nothing terrible happened to me. But even he couldn't stop the trainwreck.

One night, this guy hit his girlfriend in the parking lot in front of everyone. My temper spiralled through the roof, and along with my inebriation, I let out all of my frustration on this one poor guy. He was bigger than me, but I hit him so hard and fast that he had no time to react. I slammed him down on the pavement, cracking his head on the curb while driving my fist into his gut.

It almost killed him.

I never went to jail or really faced any consequences. Except, afterwards, my best friend said he couldn't take it anymore, and unless I went with him to the hospital to see the guy, we were done. So I went. And I felt so awful and despised myself for falling so low. I saw what I hated about my father and the farm. My fear had reappeared. So I went to AA, worked on anger management, and went to college. It was good for awhile.

Fast forward four years and I still hadn't gone anywhere. Fear of failing drove me out of school. I was lapsing back into my old habits. My best friend joined the military and so I became interested. I needed something to change my life. My father warned me that if I joined the service he would never speak to me again. He did invoke the fear in me.I got a sweet deal on joining the Air Force as a Warrant Officer that I couldn't pass up. So in the middle of the night, when my parents were asleep, I grabbed my dufflebag full of essentials, faced my fears and got on the bus.

My military career was awesome. Not only did it change my life, but it changed my father's life. When I finally overcame my fear of failing for good, I was able to do things I never thought I would be able to do. I worked in Intelligence in the Air Force, going to interesting places and having the greatest experiences (and some of the worst). I faced fear in a lot of places, such as Bosnia. But I kept moving forward. I have medals and honors and great memories from my 6 year life in the Air Force. My father sold the farm since I was nowhere around, and it made his life ten times better. We reconciled, and he was proud of me (he still apologizes for being an awful dad, although I tell him all the time I understand the circumstances). I was proud of him for overcoming his fear of not being able to let go of the family farm and improving his and my mother's lives.

Recently, I'm remarried (after being married to a witch with three awesome kids - I really feel for the kids), I have a good job with a lot of potential. I'm working on a few gaming projects, have connections in the gaming industry, and get to work with awesome people like Elrond of Radio Rivendell and Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade. I no longer fear change or failure. Best thing is I can look my father in the eye and talk to him, and not worry about being something I'm not.

I understand the responsibility that comes with a family, having been the unofficial step-father of three children. I have coworkers who almost didn't do something because of it. But I encourage people to always take a leap of faith, even with kids, because no matter how hard it gets, your internal drive to feed, shelter and clothe your family will be the driving force that will help you succeed. And ultimately help you achieve a goal that makes you happy. Happiness is the key to having a great life.

Because if you are not happy, then your loved ones will not be happy. Like my father and I weren't happy because neither of us were doing things we wanted to do, and we drove each other crazy. I don't wish that on anyone.